Rock 'n Roam

I’ve quickly come to discover that you’re going to have to give up something to find semi-affordable housing in NYC.  As much as I love our location and even our actual apartment itself, these are the 8 reasons our building is sketchy.  Let’s jump right in.
1.) The first week that Mel and I moved in, some lovely person left a trail of throw up that started at our doorstep (how fitting) and went all the way down the stairs to the basement.  S/he never cleaned up, and it made the whole building smell just awesome.  Finally, I had to call the landlord and beg him to have someone please, please, please come mop the floors.  I figured he would have already heard about the incident from another tenant, but oddly enough, he hadn’t.  Apparently, the other residents don’t mind gagging every time they leave their apartments.  Props to them.

2.) The other residents also fail to realize that the hallway/staircase is not a garbage can.  Every time I head out the door, I am greeted by a new crumpled receipt, napkin, or straw wrapper.  Today, there was even a half-eaten lollipop laying in a puddle of beer.  Now our building smells like a frat house.  The weird thing is that I’ve seen/met a lot of these people and most of them appear to be clean, upstanding citizens our age.  I would like to hang up a sign that says “You pay a lot of money to live here, so consider purchasing a trash can.  Until then, please throw up, spill beer and litter inside the comfort of your own apartment, rather than in our shared hallway. :)”

3.) When I returned from a weekend away, I found that someone had literally RIPPED the heavy-duty metal door handle set off of our once-secured building, and now it does not lock.  I would just like to thank whoever that was for making me feel amazingly safe in my home.  We’ve been crossing our fingers that it was just a tenant who lost their keys and resorted to really dramatic measures to get inside.  Again, no one appears to have called the landlord, and whenever I call, he doesn’t answer.  He probably thinks “Oh, it’s that annoying girl who had the audacity to ask me to send someone to clean up puke!”

4.) We recently had no hot water for five full days.  That’s always a nice surprise when you wake up in the morning.  Cold showers are the best.

5.) One of our ceiling lights consistently switches on and off, usually about every twenty minutes or so.  We were thinking it has to be one of two things: either an electrical problem or a ghost.  But probably a ghost.

6.) Sometimes the lights go out in the building hallway, and for extended periods of time.  Just in case it wasn’t hard enough for me to avoid stepping in all the crap on the floor…now I can attempt it in the dark!

7.) My bedroom window doesn’t lock and it has no screen.  In case an intruder thinks it’s just too simple to break into our apartment building by opening the unlocked front door, they have the option of climbing up the fire escape and leaping through my window.  Most burglars probably aren’t used to the luxury of choice, but they certainly luck out here.

8.) It had been 40 degrees outside for over a week and we still had no heat in our apartment, so yesterday, we went out and bought extra blankets and sweaters so we could adapt to life in a refrigerator.  As soon as we got home, the heat had magically turned on.  But not in your usual 65 or 70 degree way…oh no, try more like 95 or 100.  Now we officially need no blankets or even clothes for that matter since we’re sweating to death in this sauna.  Be careful what you wish for.

So now I’m sure I’ve convinced all of you to come stay with me asap.  I’ve always been a great salesperson that way.